giving ups and getting downs

anxiety

anxiety

hey they fixed the weird automatic double space enter thing

heart thumping

quick breathing

anxiety

cant escape it

tired

ive been so fucking angry these past few days and drilling the fuck out of people for it. im just mad. im so mad.

im mad people are boring and im mad i cant seem to find genuinely stimulating people and im mad i dont care enough about my general appearance to dress to attract the type of people i crave and im mad people dont just “get” it. im mad i have to resort to being alone in order to not feel out of place. im fucking frustrated and fed up with myself and everyone around me and my situation. i want to start over but im not even sure what that means.

i didnt think i would miss the weird automatic double space thing, but i do. now im mad about that, too.

heart pounding

heavy breathing

tired eyes

ive been thinking a lot about killing myself lately. i really have no desire to be alive — the possibility of future success has always spurred me to keep going, but i dont even want my shot anymore. i dont even care to see what life has in store for me. i wanna quit early before i fail — before other people can see that ive failed — again. just like high school. just like college. IM FUCKING MISERABLE AND MY SELF PITY HAS TURNED INTO ANGER TOWARD OTHERS AND THATS NOT GOING TO FUCKING GET ME ANYWHERE.

i dont feel depressed. i dont feel numb. i feel like shit and isolated all the time and its almost worse. at least before i could blame my fucked up mind on a disorder.

tears welling

nose prickling

eyelids heavy

heart racing

i can tell im about to push some very important people away and i dont even care. i want to. fuck them for not living up to my absolutely impossible standards. but when i come out of this im scared ill regret it. ive never really regretted doing it before, though.

God help me.

i dont know what to do anymore. i dont know what to do.

 

[edit: they did not fix the weird automatic double space thing]

giving ups and getting downs

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