im literally sick to my stomach. i feel so nauseous. this whole time i thought i was pretty and strong and it turns out im weak, ugly, and delusional.

holy shit. what a fucking wake up call. i dont want to look like this.

im gonna lose all of this weight. i have to. i have to see if that will help.

im so sick right now i legit do not know what to do. im skipping class bc i dont care anymore. all i do is cry and panic. ive lost hold of the last thing i thought i knew.

and even sitting here the defense mechanism of denial is kicking in and im telling myself “no, rae, youre pretty and these people just dont understand you” bc if i dont deny this then i might just kill myself. ive never felt this way before i feel like im choking on nothing and theres vomit in my throat even though i didnt eat yesterday.

how do i fix this? how do i find security if i always just ~had~ security?

i dont want to be alive right now.