ive been smoking so much i think im high more than im sober. it makes it easier. i feel content here when im high even if im alone.
apparently cole, christian, meghan, and mitch were talking shit about me. that just makes me want to leave even more. i havent talked to brenna in a few days – i really thought shed reach out but she must care less than i thought she did, and i stopped talking to her bc i didnt think she cared much.
what friends do i even have here? acquaintances, sure. but i dont have anyone on campus who thinks of me as his/her/their number one. its comical, really. not one person
freshman year – chelsea, tony
sophomore year – leah, tim
junior year – shannon, maybe brenna and lucy
senior year – ???
tonys not even talking to me hahahah all i have is natalie and shannon whos awkwardly far away. vince has erin brenna and lucy have each other cole isnt a real friend JJ doesnt need anybody i like literally cant name one person who would be socially impacted by my absence, other than shannon.
im fucking miserable, dude. why do i push everyone away? why am i bad in friend groups?
i think i fucked this whole “college” thing up. i fucked up freshman year. i dont fucking care.
if no one wants me here shouldnt i just leave? try to find a place where people like me and want to be near me. im just excited about the prospect of LA and how amazing that could be.
the worst thing of all is i dont even want to be near myself. i dont like who i am now/what ive become.
do i care about losing my minor? not really. do i care about losing a bunch of my freedom? not really – its not like im using it for anything other than weed. do i care about not being able to sleep whenever i want? that yes. do i care about losing SAC? i care about letting dave down a little bit – itll be hard losing that spot as “favorite/go-to” in his head. but even he makes me feel like shit bc he doesnt actually need me, you know? he has a full life and he never lets me forget it. i have nothing. i have a supportive family, vic, shannon. i have nothing else i can think of. im not good at what i thought i was good at/my major hasn’t taught me anything/i cant find or keep a bf/i dont have a friend group/i have a job i suck at/i have a fat body/ i have a messy room/i never have energy. like…idk haha is this normal? ive never felt so hopeless and half-heartedly fristrated with my life and situation.
im not depressed, though! thats the coolest part. im sad, sure, but im not depressed. yay me??
sorry for this rant. ive been in a rut unable to get out. im sure ill get out. hopefully soon