life update

ive been smoking so much i think im high more than im sober. it makes it easier. i feel content here when im high even if im alone. 

apparently cole, christian, meghan, and mitch were talking shit about me. that just makes me want to leave even more. i havent talked to brenna in a few days – i really thought shed reach out but she must care less than i thought she did, and i stopped talking to her bc i didnt think she cared much. 

what friends do i even have here? acquaintances, sure. but i dont have anyone on campus who thinks of me as his/her/their number one. its comical, really. not one person

freshman year – chelsea, tony

sophomore year – leah, tim

junior year – shannon, maybe brenna and lucy

senior year – ???

tonys not even talking to me hahahah all i have is natalie and shannon whos awkwardly far away. vince has erin brenna and lucy have each other cole isnt a real friend JJ doesnt need anybody i like literally cant name one person who would be socially impacted by my absence, other than shannon. 

im fucking miserable, dude. why do i push everyone away? why am i bad in friend groups? 

i think i fucked this whole “college” thing up. i fucked up freshman year. i dont fucking care. 

if no one wants me here shouldnt i just leave? try to find a place where people like me and want to be near me. im just excited about the prospect of LA and how amazing that could be. 

the worst thing of all is i dont even want to be near myself. i dont like who i am now/what ive become. 

do i care about losing my minor? not really. do i care about losing a bunch of my freedom? not really – its not like im using it for anything other than weed. do i care about not being able to sleep whenever i want? that yes. do i care about losing SAC? i care about letting dave down a little bit – itll be hard losing that spot as “favorite/go-to” in his head. but even he makes me feel like shit bc he doesnt actually need me, you know? he has a full life and he never lets me forget it. i have nothing. i have a supportive family, vic, shannon. i have nothing else i can think of. im not good at what i thought i was good at/my major hasn’t taught me anything/i cant find or keep a bf/i dont have a friend group/i have a job i suck at/i have a fat body/ i have a messy room/i never have energy. like…idk haha is this normal? ive never felt so hopeless and half-heartedly fristrated with my life and situation. 

im not depressed, though! thats the coolest part. im sad, sure, but im not depressed. yay me??

sorry for this rant. ive been in a rut unable to get out. im sure ill get out. hopefully soon

life update

idk

im in a constant, constant state of not knowing. like i cant explain it. i just, like, dont know. anything.

i dont know how to help myself i dont know what i want i dont know what i should be doing i dont know who i am anymore i dont know what other people my age are doing i dont know if im gonna be okay. i dont know. 

and youre like “rae! you dont have to know all that! no one knows what they should be doing and it doesnt matter what other people are doing and you dont have to know who you are you just have to be yourself and youre definitely going to be okay.” and im like “YEAH OK GREAT EXCEPT NONE OF THAT IS ACTUALLY HELPFUL YOU ASSHOLE. THIS IS HOW IM FEELING AND I DONT LIKE IT AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO.” and youre like “woah – do not yell at me. if you dont want my help then ill just be here for you to vent to” and im like ” GOOD. I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT I WANT TO GET OUT OF TELLING YOU ALL THIS” 

so on and so forth. 

i think if i lose weight ill feel back to normal. funny thing about losing weight though is it SUCKS. 

idk

kill me

i woke up stressed that i had to wake up. ive been baked for the past 2 days. i dont want to leave the house // i dont want to stay here all day. 

holy shit im fucking miserable. 

i literally dont know what to do. 

i feel sick to my stomach. 

kill me

senyaaaaa year(;

another day of senior year, another day of my life wasted. 

i mean, it is my 16th year of being systematically processed by professionals in academia who hate their lives as much as i hate mine. 

i sit in every class dreaming about where life will take me after this year – wishing it would take me there already. i dont care about anything. i dont care about ethics or philosophy or counseling. i dont even care about repurposed art. 

the scary thing is though that while i feel ive outgrown this place, im scared i havent learned enough to help me in the real world. 

senyaaaaa year(;

anxiety. anxiety. heart racing. cant calm down. cant get it out of my head. stop. stop over-thinking and let it go. let it go and breathe. youre okay. youre just as stable as you were 10 minutes ago. put it out of your head or face it – regardless, youre strong. you got this. dont go down that hole. 

curtains & i cant think of another “c” word bc I’m that off

and maybe it comes with the territory of growing up.

maybe, as we age, our awareness of ourselves comes into focus – the curtain of naive thoughts we grew up on falls to the side showing nothing but our true selves.

and, God, what a hard image to see. what a terrifying reflection to look back on.

everything i thought i knew about myself – my looks, my style, my personality, my strengths, my talents – they’ve been washed away by the demons of comparison and jealousy. i’ve always controlled those demons, but i’ve lost that control.

i feel like a waste of space accomplishing absolutely nothing. i have no direction. no motivation. no pride in anything i do. no passion.

where did i go? what am i going to do?

i think i need new scenery. i think i need to get out of this bubble. i think i need some sort of stimulation to re-invigorate myself.

if i stay here – in this place, in this mindset – I’m not going to make it.

curtains & i cant think of another “c” word bc I’m that off