i have to have a mental breakthrough soon right?

tonight katie said crystal is intimidated by me bc she thinks im too cool. 

im intimited by her, though, bc shes SO cool and she’d never take the time to be my friend — she has so many. 

katie also said mollie and them were saying theyre excited to see me. 

gabrielle also texted me. 

high school me wasnt scared at all to walk at graduation after a semester off — where did that confidence go? 

im not confident in my fashion anymore. i just feel fat and ugly. im no longer confident in my looks. 

am i an outcast bc i isolate myself from people bc of an irrational fear i have that everyone is judging me whereas people actually like me and dont reach out bc i run away from people? or am i outcasted and rejected and forgotten by ppl over time bc im ugly and low energy and not as interesting as i seem. 

do people get bored? do i talk a big talk and look a certain way but when you get to know me im boring and quiet and a people pleaser?

why do i have this theme of losing people/not letting myself have people?

and why do i hate nm so much lmao?

i need to meet lots of people and not decide to be friends w some ppl and not others maybe. i came to college and picked and chose ppl and look how that worked out — i ended up alone. mom says i have to let things happen and go out and let people come to me. 

im confused and lonely. 

i have to have a mental breakthrough soon right?

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