done & definitely done

and just like that…

im done. 

done with him. done with being treated like this. done waiting. done giving him time to grow up. done giving him my time/love/support/energy/food/weed/brain power/help. done hoping he’ll wake up and see me for who i am. done changing myself for him. done doing things bc i have him in mind. done stalking his twitter. done stalking her insta. done wishing for the day we could be together. done pretending im okay when im riddled with anxiety. done lying to myself. done putting my friends second to him. done feeling pride when people talk about us. done crying over him. done with this anxiety thats encapsulated me for two years. done. im so, so done. im done.

im laughing bc its over. senior year is gonna be different – im not playing by anyone elses rules. im not looking to impress any one person. im looking to re-build and find what i lost. im gonna drink when and how much i want to when i want to. im going to wear what i want. im not following anyone elses rules or expectations. 

god – what a waste of a summer. one of my last summers. again i find myself regretting the time i spent with him. 

fuck this kid. seriously. i hope what im saying rings true come test time when he texts me or sees me on campus.

done & definitely done

worries & woes

ive come to the realization that im gonna live in my anxiety for the rest of my life. and thats a really sad thing. 

i feel trapped in my own head, and i cant escape. im stuck with myself. i used to love myself. i used to really, really love myself. but i dont now. i hate being in my head – its not creative and its dark. its self-loathing and full of excuses. its scared of the future and fearful of change. its scared itll never find love – its horrified. its yearning for something but doesnt know what. its good at burying problems. its bad at coming to terms with the hard stuff. it overthinks and analyzes until it hurts. my brain is not safe. its toxic. am i my own worst enemy? 

my biggest fear is that i may need people/someone more than he/she/they need me. ive always been guarded and i pride myself on individuality – isolation – but i need others to feel okay. im nervous about what the future holds, though im learning that life kinda just happens. cars crash. people love who they want. and theres nothing i can do to control that. 

im yearning for something. to create something im proud of? to find a soul mate i can feed my time and love into? to build to better to invest to something. what am i missing? i have so many people around me who love me but i feel so empty and alone. i have accomplished so much in school and in my jobs but i feel as though ive done nothing. like i have nothing. im up above the world and i thought this is where my happiness would be, but its bleak. and ive lost myself. 

ive lost my crazy/silly/out thereness which was a lot of what i had going for me. ive lost my creativity that i thought was endless. i dont have a hobby – i lost rowing. what have i gained? leadership skills and knowledge on how to handle interpersonal problems. my communication and understanding of others has improved. im more worldly. i dont have time for bullshit.

im more grown up. jesus christ how do i revert?

worries & woes

red hot

“i have a concussion you might have one too”

“hows vacation?”

“Tristyn wants to do blook club when you get back!”

“youre one of my best friends dont be a dick and ignore me”

vic said tim needs time to mature and that hit me across the face like a fucking pan if id been hit across the face by a fucking pan. id given him time, but he needs more. he needs to shape up and grow up if hes even going to have a shot w me. 

he snapped me vids of stingrays yesterday. still no text. and im starting not to care. 

i think shannon and i are going through a rough patch. i so wish i could be excited with her rn but also i wish she could have been present w me this weekend. give and take – thats what we’re good at, usually. 

Johnny came over the other day and felt what its like every day not having tim. he hated it and apologized for making me feel this exact way many moons ago when he ghosted me, which was comforting. maybe guys dont know. maybe my anxietys unusual and other people dont feel as much as i do so its only a me problem. something makes me think thats not true. 

i made myself so sick ive ended up back at home. i dont think its a bad thing, though, bc i might as well do it while i still can. while my parents are around and my brothers are home. 

i hope i dont have need to do this when im like 30. i hope ive figured my shit out by then.

i think ive concussed myself by yearning for tim and if thats not the realest shit

red hot