i woke up in a slow panic today. ive thought through everything last night and i cant figure out whats wrong.
i feel nauseous. my heart is pounding. im choking on my own spit. i cant lie still – forget falling back asleep.
i havent felt this way in a while. i always forget how this feeling rips me apart at the seams – i feel open, like if the wind blew it would breeze right through all the cracks in my frame.
keep breathing. deeper. try to fall asleep so you can get away from it all. try to quiet your heart. are you nervous? guilty? youre okay. youre okay. should you take your medicine? dont cry. close your eyes. try to calm down. youve done nothing wrong and you can handle whatevers coming up these few days. youve done nothing wrong.
why did i think i did something wrong? do i feel guilty that that guy bought me a drink last night and i left? thats life – you stayed and talked. you gave him your number – youre an idiot but youre nice. do i feel guilty that i blew off that tinder guy bc he said he lives w his parents? no – thats honestly completely valid and he whined all night which was disgusting. do i feel guilty that i drank last night? bc i spent money and didnt have a great night? im allowed to drink – mom even told you to. brain, shut the fuck up. ive done absolutely nothing wrong and you can fuck right off.
do you ever wonder if everyones depressed bc we all have these massively outrageous expectations for how life will go bc of what we’ve seen in the media?
and everyone has anxiety bc of the crushing, usually unnecessary pressure from society/our peers/ourselves?
and everyone has FOMO bc of the misguided construct that we all need to be doing something exciting with people at all times?
and everyones addicted to their phones and social media bc we’re so inherently disappointed in ourselves that we need a mental getaway?
God forbid we do our own things on our own time for our own happiness. maybe if we did, we’d be happier. maybe if we didnt worry so much about what everyone else thought or about what everyone else is doing then we’d be content with ourselves. life doesnt have to be exciting all the time, and we can’t be disappointed when its not. but we also have to work and strive to make the best of it – for ourselves.
i know i hate myself bc i cant compare to her or him or them – do you hate yourself?
i think i have a shot at being someone…you know, actually someone.
i want to be original. i want to make waves. i want to show people they can be original, too. and that motivation mixed with creativity and energy and passion could be enough to get me there, I think.
im confused, though, on how to start. what am i waiting for? an outlet? i can’t seem to find one.
i need love. and attention. but not from you. LORD, for the longest time i thought yours was all that mattered, and thats why i find myself lonely now. to be fair, ive been lonely for two years bc youve never given me enough to sustain myself (but its my fault for pining so hard i gave you total power over me and my happiness). regardless, its somehow different now. not worse – just different. now, ive cut you out of my life and therefore ive cut out the desire for you to love me and the (very limited but addicting) happiness your love brought. ive inherently pushed all other love out of my life bc it wasnt what i thought i wanted – it wasnt “as good” bc it wasnt from you.
and thats FUCKED.
im surrounded and rooted in love, and i have to train myself to allow myself to soak it in. im so loved, and i need to be secure. i need to relax – im so uptight. im so on edge. im so worried and so sure if i let myself feel stable for even a second that ill fall further and harder than ever before.
first – im going to work on loving myself again. then – im going to work on letting other people love me. bc im pretty fucking cool.
“it couldnt last forever. it had to come to an end”
and just like that –
my anxiety took a back seat.
my nausea faded.
my self hate drowned.
my self doubt ceased.
its looking like i have options now, and i dont have to make decisions based on trying to appease anyone else. i can do what i want to do bc ive cut the idea of you out of my life. i can wear what i want instead of adhering to your style. i can act how i want bc im not concerned whether or not youll like it. im gonna wear a lot of makeup and im gonna straighten my hair bc it makes me feel pretty, and idc if you think its trying too hard. im gonna go back to listening to the music you hate bc i found myself by listening to that music.
you’re irrelevant to me after all these months of mourning, and im free.
we all have our addictions.
theyre what help us cope with the stresses of life, I guess.
some are bad.
others are worse.
ill need to find a new one.