i need love. and attention. but not from you. LORD, for the longest time i thought yours was all that mattered, and thats why i find myself lonely now. to be fair, ive been lonely for two years bc youve never given me enough to sustain myself (but its my fault for pining so hard i gave you total power over me and my happiness). regardless, its somehow different now. not worse – just different. now, ive cut you out of my life and therefore ive cut out the desire for you to love me and the (very limited but addicting) happiness your love brought. ive inherently pushed all other love out of my life bc it wasnt what i thought i wanted – it wasnt “as good” bc it wasnt from you.
and thats FUCKED.
im surrounded and rooted in love, and i have to train myself to allow myself to soak it in. im so loved, and i need to be secure. i need to relax – im so uptight. im so on edge. im so worried and so sure if i let myself feel stable for even a second that ill fall further and harder than ever before.
first – im going to work on loving myself again. then – im going to work on letting other people love me. bc im pretty fucking cool.