worries & woes

ive come to the realization that im gonna live in my anxiety for the rest of my life. and thats a really sad thing. 

i feel trapped in my own head, and i cant escape. im stuck with myself. i used to love myself. i used to really, really love myself. but i dont now. i hate being in my head – its not creative and its dark. its self-loathing and full of excuses. its scared of the future and fearful of change. its scared itll never find love – its horrified. its yearning for something but doesnt know what. its good at burying problems. its bad at coming to terms with the hard stuff. it overthinks and analyzes until it hurts. my brain is not safe. its toxic. am i my own worst enemy? 

my biggest fear is that i may need people/someone more than he/she/they need me. ive always been guarded and i pride myself on individuality – isolation – but i need others to feel okay. im nervous about what the future holds, though im learning that life kinda just happens. cars crash. people love who they want. and theres nothing i can do to control that. 

im yearning for something. to create something im proud of? to find a soul mate i can feed my time and love into? to build to better to invest to something. what am i missing? i have so many people around me who love me but i feel so empty and alone. i have accomplished so much in school and in my jobs but i feel as though ive done nothing. like i have nothing. im up above the world and i thought this is where my happiness would be, but its bleak. and ive lost myself. 

ive lost my crazy/silly/out thereness which was a lot of what i had going for me. ive lost my creativity that i thought was endless. i dont have a hobby – i lost rowing. what have i gained? leadership skills and knowledge on how to handle interpersonal problems. my communication and understanding of others has improved. im more worldly. i dont have time for bullshit.

im more grown up. jesus christ how do i revert?

worries & woes

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