i have to poop

i have to poop but this is important. creative self expression shouldnt be confined to and limited by one mood. for example, I only write when I’m sad/upset/gloomy/lost. but we should – while documenting the sad parts – also document the good parts. what are we if not our creativity? nothing. we’re just like everyone else, and who wants that? JJ asked if “the cream rises to the top,” and I think it does. i want to be the cream – desperately. hopelessly, much like everyone – i’m sure, i want to be different and special. and i think the best way to do that is by embracing our creativity and expressing ourselves in the most honest and genuine ways we know how. im gonna go poop

i have to poop

i wonder

i wonder if that man
walking the sidewalk
with that swagger
has ever felt love
hearbreak
pain.

i wonder if that woman
sitting that bench
sporting that frock
has ever felt
unbridled happiness –
can she complain?

i wonder if i
sitting this car
alone
will ever feel
love
contentment –
am i insane?

i wonder

heart poundings & sour thoughts

my heart is racing. im so uncomfortable. i got caught in a lie – i’m so stupid. i know i should never lie bc im THE WORST AT IT. but also – whatever. of course with lying comes anxiety, and i’m sick to my stomach. i cant eat. i cant nap. i cant think straight. all i can hear is the pounding in my ears pumping, saying li-ar. li-ar. li-ar. he-hates-you-now. don’t mistake this for guilt, please – my conscience was consumed by my protective  parents long ago. this is anxiety, and this is my reality. and it’s eating me apart. its consuming me. i am a victim, hopelessly to this cage. i hate it.

heart poundings & sour thoughts

high & low

i’m really tired today. I should stop getting high – maybe then I’d have the motivation to work out and maybe I’d stop eating so much. oh, well. weight is a funny thing that I think is mostly stupid. I mean, it’s not something you can really check out from because you have to be aware, but I think it’s something you don’t necessarily have to subscribe to. do you know what i mean?

I don’t know. I just feel super lethargic and gross. I should also probably be taking my medicine LMFAO

high & low

stories & shitty memories

you tell yourself stories
because you’re too scared
to realize the truth.
you walk the crossroads of
imagination
and self deceit
because you can’t bear to
trudge
solemnly
down Truth Ln.
I’m not penalizing you for it –
we all do it.
It’s human nature.
But, it sucks
when you get to the dead end.
Remember,
every coping mechanism has a dead end,
and that dead end is
harder to bear
than the dead end of the truth.

stories & shitty memories

peaking into depression

So, tim and i have been hanging out a lot. I can’t read him – he’s a mystery. I’m not v invested, though.
I don’t feel well at all – most likely bc i haven’t been taking my medicine. LET THIS BE A WARNING TO MYSELF. I’m so tired and my head hurts and i can’t think straight and I’m angry and pissy and super introverted. this is depression – these are the beginning stages.
I keep smoking. I should stop bc CVS might hire me, but I won’t. I may not like drinking but i v like smoking.
My head hurts I can’t type.

peaking into depression