i don’t even know at this point

Ah, the classic Tim post. Wow, I hope I’m not this sad and pathetic after I get over this fucking kid. Im not sure where i stand with tim, but i know hes talking to that girl. But he also keeps snapping me. I thought he was trying to hide me but he just RTd my tweet. I recognize how silly that sounds. But he snapped me a bunch today and im not sure if its strength in not responding or weakness in hoping he’ll snapchat me more if i ignore him, but i didnt respond to anything. And then i snapped him hours later, and his response to my “i hate everyone why did god make me this way” was “i hate everyone” and then a picture of his foot “i just want to cum on everything” and i think thats when i realized how sad he is. He could have me, and id fuck him every night, but he either doesnt get that or idk. Or he doesnt think putting up w me is worth the sex. I really dont think thats true, bc a) im amazing and b) i genuinely think he likes (as a friend)/cares about me. Maybe its a show -hes good at putting on a show – but idk, i think that parts real. Maybe not. Time will tell. I think im on my way out. All this waiting..if he wanted me, hed make an effort. And hes not. And so he cant be in my head any longer. I still think about him and look for his car and my breath still catches when i read his name on my screen, but i think its just out of habit at this point. In my head, its normal. Its instinctive to look for Ginny and its natural for me to spend a night thinking about him because its been a year of my life focusing on this fucker. So, now, i need to make a new normal. Obsessed with myself, maybe, or obsessed with thinking of things to better MSG. I’m not sure – i’m sure i dont want my normal to be of a new, different boy. I blew JJ two nights ago and feel nothing. I turned tony down this year. I could go back to an ex if i wanted to, but i really dont. Im not sure i could get a boyfriend if i tried, bc i think i am trying subconscious or consciously a little bit, but i could definitely try harder. I think. Maybe not. And i know i said this when i was in high school, and maybe im waiting for a time that wont come, but college might not be my place. I think i have a very specific, beautiful place. But its not here. And im sad that boys define that for me, but im excited to find that its moreso just people in general. Sure, whenever/wherever i find my husband, then thatll be my place. Im so excited for that place. But also where i find a great group of friends or a really nice old couple or something. Im not sure. Maybe its bc im a cancer and super sensitive and need a strong sense of home, but i crave surrounding myself with quality people. My own definition of quality – which im still defining. In high school, it was popular people. In college, its moving closer to people who care about me but also theres still that image thing. Im not sure, but i hope i figure out. I deem some people not good enough to invest time in, which might be normal, but i gotta stop being so critical. Im learning. And moving away from tim is a good step, bc he is only quality in the way he looks next to me. I want him bc i think we look right and i mean i also think were similar people with a good sense of humor, but its really that looks thing that makes him feel so worth it all. Like, if his personality was in, like, well maybe not. Shit. Maybe it really is his personality i like being around and maybe im not as shallow as id thought. Maybe. But theres a whole other side to his personality thats terrible and a liar and a cheater and he uses people and hes selfish and he tells stories to fuck girls. Maybe thats all men, but i know theres a guy out there w a great personality who doesnt do any of that stuff. I know it. Right?

i don’t even know at this point

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