imaginary hopes & real pain

I just had this imaginary conversation w tim the other day where i tell him that i think hes a soul mate of mine and that im waiting for a soul mate. I tell him hes not my only soul mate, but that i think hes one of them. I tell him im not necessarily waiting for him, but im waiting for the one, and theres a chance its him. I tell him i still love him and i cant help it. I tell him im very confident that im better than anyone else he’d find, so i know that if hes smart that he’ll come back to me. I tell him im not mad that he cheated on me with her, and that im not mad hes with her now. Im just waiting. I want him to get other people out of his system so that if he ever comes to his senses then he’ll want me and only me. And this entire hypothetical conversation was very comforting to me because it justified my actions that are always so carefully tuned to what he would like. It made sense of why im still hung up on him. The truth of the matter is, though, is that Tim and i can never be together. Should never be together. When i blew him and he was still dating rachel, that sealed our fate of never being together. The moment he cheated on her was the moment he cheated on me in the future. I want him so desperately because i think hes so pretty and so funny and so deep and cares about branding the way i do and has a similar sense of humor and his beard, but none of that matters because he is a bad person. And i am a good person. Ive been weak this past year, and nows my chance to stop waiting time, make up for all the nights i sat crying over him, and runaway from the douchebag.

imaginary hopes & real pain

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