retracings & rethinkings

I never wanted this blog to be a diary or a journal. No one cares about that stuff.

This post might begin to sound like a journal entry at first, but stick with me.

This past week has been awesome. I got a job I wanted and I was only stuck in dehabilitating  thoughts about my ex for a fraction of the time I have been before this week. I spent this past week pushing the bad out of my head and doing everything in my power to focus on what and who makes me happy.

I started hanging out with different groups of people. I put myself in situations where I felt on edge and out of place and I talked to people who I’ve always seen on campus but I assumed they hated me for some reason. Basically, I went outside my comfort zone, which is a place I haven’t been in a long time.

Going outside my comfort zone was thrilling and lead me to different things that I would have missed out on had I stayed in bed all weekend because my roommate was gone (which is what I usually do.)

But everyone knows that can happen when you try new things. And it just so happened that trying new things was a really positive experience this time around, which is great. So life was good.

And when life was good, I stopped blogging.

This may not sound like a big deal because I stop blogging all the time (I’m not the most consistent of people, if you haven’t noticed), but I stopped blogging for a different reason.

Usually I don’t blog because I have too much going on with school or I drink too much that weekend, but this time I didn’t blog because I was happy.

I was lying in bed just now at 1:25 in the morning, and I realized that. And it was such a cripplingly sad realization.

“Why? Who gives a shit?”

I only blog when I’m sad. Or, rather, I used to only blog when I was sad (because I’m going to change that), which is so completely terrible because when I’m sad I think a lot and I want to remember the realizations I’m coming to. This in itself isn’t a bad thing, but I have all these blog posts and documentations of my sad thoughts and I don’t have any from when I’m happy.

“I want to focus on the things that make my heart race and make me smile without thinking”

Sure, happy people probably don’t have time to blog while those stuck in clouds of sadness have nothing but time to complain, but blogging makes me happy and I want to make time for it in the happiest of times.

I realize the theme of my blog is kind of depressing because in general I’m a kind of sad person, and I’m not trying to change that about myself. I just want to change what I remember about these years of my life.

I want to focus on the things that make my heart race and make me smile without thinking, like the feelings and thoughts running through my head when I got the job I’d wanted, instead of dwelling on the deep, dark things running through my head.

Does that make sense? The dark things will always be present, and I want to learn from them because I think they’re really rich in content, but I want to remember and live and breathe the positive things. And that’s so goddamn important and so goddamn easy to lose sight of.

I think people are really dramatic and sad and deep and it’s unnecessary. We should be focusing on what gives us life, and not what tears us closer to death.

retracings & rethinkings

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