what the hell do triangles and tree rings have to do with anything?

I should name my blog, like, something that makes sense, right?

Wrong. That would just make too much sense, now, wouldn’t it?

I named my blog after my two favorite things in this world: triangles and tree rings.

I’ve loved triangles since I was little, and I’ve always been, like, weirdly connected to them for some reason. If you want a more in-depth reasoning behind why I feel connected to triangles, then scroll through my online portfolio. But, if you don’t really care that much and just want the broad overview (I don’t blame you – I wouldn’t care either), then it’s very simple: triangles are where I find my strength. This may sound hippy-ish or whatever, but I’m super not kidding. Look in any old book that explains geometric shapes or just look it up on Google. The power of the triangle, at least to me, is so insane and it’s my core, I swear. I can feel it.

Tree rings are a more recent obsession, but I love them just the same. I’ve always loved nature and thought the individuality of trees and leaves is so cool, but, damn, when I realized tree rings are even cooler I almost peed myself. I think tree rings show how important it is in life to look at things from a different perspective (i.e. not just looking at a tree like we do every day, but instead taking the time to look deeper), and I think tree rings emulate individuality. Sure, each tree looks different on the outside, much like each person looks different, but humans, as you know, are so much more complex on the inside than they are on the outside, and I think it’s the same for trees. Each ring in a tree’s body shows age, wisdom, and life, and it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I briefly talked about how I think the inside of a person is more important than the outside in my first post, and I think tree rings remind me how true this actually is. Tree rings remind me not to get caught up in my appearance (which, I think everyone needs this reminder), and to focus on each ring (year) in my tree (life) and make it as meaningful as possible. You only have so many rings, you know.

So, that’s what the hell triangles and tree rings have to do w anything.

what the hell do triangles and tree rings have to do with anything?

why did I make a blog?

I know it seems conceited and stupid and quite frankly shallow to make a blog about myself, and it kinda is, but I have a reason. I could spend my time blogging about other things like fashion or drugs (people probably blog about drugs, right? They have to.), but I don’t really have too much to say about those things. I don’t do drugs, by the way, at least not serious ones.

My blog is about myself and the lens through which I see the world. Who gives a sh** about me and how I see the world, you ask? I don’t care – I’m not forcing you to read this. I’m a 19 year old girl in college who suffers from chronic depression and severe anxiety, and I think I can relate to a lot of people out there.

“Oh, Rae, but everyone these days has anxiety and depression. Why are you any different?”

I’m not. I’m so absolutely not, and I don’t want any of you to think I am. I’m just one of everyone else struggling with societal problems, and the only difference between me and you is I’m writing about it.

“Oh, Rae, but everyone these days has anxiety and depression. Why are you any different?”

I’ve been been in that dark place of self harm and drinking myself to sleep ‘cuz it’s easier than dealing with myself, but I’m coming out of it. Sure, I’m still on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication and I’m sure they help a lot, but I think a positive mentality goes a long way.

My blog is simply about a girl trying her best to get through life as happy as she can be and who wants to make sure people know that they’re not alone.

why did I make a blog?

behind R∆E.

“Hi, I’m Rae. It’s like ‘stingray,’ except I have more sting.”

I confidently introduce myself like this to everyone I meet. Yes, people stare at me. Yes, it’s embarrassing. And no, I can’t seem to stop.

Why did I start introducing myself like this, you ask? Well, my real name is Lorraine, but one day in high school I woke up and decided I wanted to change my name ‘cuz, like, who doesn’t wake up in high school and want to change their identity?  I’ve never really felt quite like a “Lorraine.” I didn’t want to change my name completely, ‘cuz it’s not like I really mind the name Lorraine, and I didn’t want to offend my parents. So, I just shortened it. I could’ve been a “Lorrie”or a “Raine” or a “Eniarrol,” but “Rae” just really fit.

Now, why did I feel like my name had to match my personality? Like, there are tons of people in the world who don’t “match” their name per se, and it’s totally fine. I know it doesn’t matter what your name is because you define whatever name you have. But, this being said, since day one I’ve strived (strove?) (striven?) to make everything about myself be totally and completely “me.” I’m so particular about my hair cut and my piercings and my tattoos and my clothes and everything because I want to project my fullest self into the world. I want people to look at me and already kinda feel like they know me, maybe, I don’t know. And I know what you’re thinking because I think it, too: it shouldn’t matter what you look like on the outside if you’re your realest self on the inside. Yes, I totally and completely agree with you that the inside is what counts. But, I already have a pretty good grasp on my insides, and I think the outside is important, too.

So, my name is Rae. It’s like “stingray,” except I have more sting, and it’s so nice to virtually meet you.

behind R∆E.

planning & pink noses

He’ll have a lot of work to do when he gets back. I wont bother him this week. Im not gonna eat this week, either. I wanna be skinny for spring break and for the next time we see each other. Will we have sex? Are we okay? Not sure. It’ll work out the way its supposed to. So we have two more weeks until spring break. Im not going to see him for those two weeks, and then in a month we’ll reconnect. We both need the break. And i dont want to date him, i just want to know hes there for me. I want to start fresh with him after spring break when im skinny and tan and my hair will be longer and he’ll be happier cuz he’ll have just been home and ill be happier cuz i’ll have been away from him. Who knows maybe ill never go back. I need time right now. This will be good. I just hope he wont be with anyone else in the time being. I sure as hell wont be.

planning & pink noses